Breaking News!

Word has reached the rANT Farm's antennae of suspected infidelity on the part of Matt Drudge, webmaster of the Drudge Report.

Drudge is accused of being unfaithful to his hat of many years, having had a two year "affair" with another hat. The affair is purported to have ended just prior to the current election season, when Drudge broke it off.

The other hat in question (pictured above, with identity partially obscured) is reportedly hiding out in Switzerland, having been urged to leave the country by friends of Matt Drudge.

Mr. Drudge has categorically denied the accusations as "untrue"

The story first broke in The Sun, following comments made by the man who made the hat: Randal "Randy" Rundenschmucker.

He was "down the pub" with friends, and when someone mentioned that he read the Drudge Report, Mr. Rundneschmucker became "quite agitated."

"Now that fellow, Drudge, was a gobshite," Mr. Rundenscmhucker is purported to have said: "A total and complete hat freak. Couldn't trust him in a haberdashery any more than you'd trust Gary Glitter in a kindergarten. Done got himself involved with one of my little ones, don't you know. And him with a hat of his own, already!"

He might have said more, but the bartender called for "last orders," and Mr. Rundenscmhucker has not been seen since.

When the story broke, a few other respectable media outlets - including the New York Post - picked up on it right away, at which point Mr. Drudge denied the accusations, saying that he was "a one-hat kind of guy."

"Been with the same hat for years. Don't go hatting around town with my buddies. Don't go to hat bars. Nothing to talk about. No comment. None. No."

This is not the first time that Drudge has been suspected of infidelity to his hat. Photos purporting to show him "moonlighting" in Acapulco with "a tacky sombrero bought out on the street" have been published on the web.

Also, when Drudge was wearing his previous hat, another hat came forward and told "wild stories" to a reporter from the Washington Post. However, the story was called into question when the reporter was seen wearing the hat in public.

The story was retracted, and the reporter was fired. He is now an editor at the New York Times.

Drudge's relationship with his previous hat ended when mildew set in. Claims that Drudge met his current hat while still wearing the old one have also been denied by him.

The hat at the center of the current controversy has avoided all contact with the press, and will neither confirm nor deny the stories in question.

However, more revelations are promised by a friend of the hat, who says "the real truth is even worse than what's been reported so far."

"I'm not talking about someone having to wear another hat in a sudden downpour. I'm talking about a long-term, conscious abandonment of your own hat to go gallivanting around the countryside with another piece of headgear. I'm talking lost weekends, checking into hotels under different names, marching incognito during hat parades... you name it."

The friend is currently working with Hollywood producers to secure the movie rights.

Drudge has nothing else to say about this matter, other than to appeal to his readers to discount this "libelous nonsense."

"Consider the source. This is a British tabloid. They make their money telling us what Posh and Becks did last weekend, or what Prince Harry smoked with them. They have no credibility. None. No."

When reminded that a lot of his "scoops" originated in those self-same tabloids, however, he told us all to go fuck a red beret, and ended the interview.

The following news sources have reported on it as follows:

- WKTK, Philadelphia: "And in other news, is Matt Drudge cheating on his hat?"

- WWTF, Savannah: "Matt Drudge, who broke the story about President Clinton cheating on his wife, has apparently been unfaithful to his own... hat?" (muffled) 'Is this some kind of joke?'

- NPR's "All Things Considered": "You've heard the news about Matt Drudge and his hat, but let's talk about the legal ramifications. Today we'll be asking noted legal scholar Gatcha Money about the legality of relationships with headgear. For example, if you check into a hotel wearing a hat, could that be considered a common-law marriage?"

- KDFY, Tripoli: "Zionist pig doo-doo oppressor and capitalist scum Matt Drudge has been shown to be cheating on his hat for years, which would not have happened if he followed the beneficent laws of God like a normal person."

- KMFD FM, Los Angeles: "Dude, Matt Drudge has reportedly been having an affair with a cat!" "Dude, no way!" "Yeah, dude." (ffffffP!) "Aw, cool..." "And now more music..."

Developing...

"And he wore a hat - And he had a job - And he brought home the bacon - So that no one knew"

"Mongoloid" - Devo

This was a parody, just in case you couldn't guess.